» Syndicated from Claudette's Blog
I hear this often. The kids don’t love me, heck, they don’t even like me. Their mom hates the idea of having me around and I can’t seem to be doing anything right. I get so upset that all I want to do is hide or give up.
This is a common theme among many stepmoms, believing the children don’t want them around. Although there is some truth in the conviction, it’s not accurate either.
Realize, kids daydream of having a more simple life, one where they’re not moving from one bedroom to another, house rules are the same from one home to the next, and never worry about forgetting their school work at one place, not be able to retrieve it before the next visit. Children dream of having consistency and stability in their lives. It’s not the case for youngsters of divorced parents.
Then stepmom comes along, with her ways of organizing the home, hoping to make the lives of the family better, to “heal” old wounds and transform this “broken” home to look like The Sound of Music. When the household doesn’t respond in the way stepmom expects, rejection sets in and she pulls back. Everyone senses that something’s not right and tension builds up in the home. Kids retreat into their world of iPods and video games, not wanting to be a part of the drama.
Now the cycle begins. The more stepmom retreats, the more the kids act up or retreat. Little gremlins start telling stepmom “You see, I told you the kids don’t like you. They don’t even want to talk with you anymore.” And she starts to believe her gremlins. The more stepmom listens, the further she withdraws.
You might be tempted to think that by pulling away from the kids, this makes everyone happier when in fact the situation worsens. Instead, find out what each child’s interest are and start a conversation around that. If your stepson enjoys video games, ask him about the video, who are the characters, what’s the object of the game, where is he in terms of skill level. If you’re stepdaughter’s into music or fashion, ask her who is her favorite artist or designer and why.
When you replace fear with curiosity, your children start to open up to you. You start seeing them through a different set of lenses, making everyone feel as if someone cares.
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